Every day somebody tells me something that just isn’t true. In spite of my best efforts, I probably say things that turn out to be untrue as well. Here is the bad news…… So do you.
So how do the things that we say……. that are not true…….. break down?
Some of them, hopefully very few, are outright lies.
Some of them are disagreements.
Some of them are honest mistakes.
I sometimes get called a liar in these circumstances…..and that is upsetting…….. because I try really hard to be truthful……even when the truth is painful.
What, then, is the difference between lies, disagreements, and mistakes…….and how do we handle them? This is especially relevant in our current, highly toxic, political conversation.
First, the lie. The lie has three characteristics all of which MUST be met and you must be absolutely sure. First, it is untrue. Second, the person who says it knows it is untrue. Third, the person who says it is intentionally trying to mislead you. Lies are out there, but, with the possible exceptions of advertisements, the practice of law, and politics they are not common.
Second, the disagreement. The issue of truth here is bit slippery. One or both parties may be right. One or both parties may be wrong. Neither party knows that they are wrong……if they are wrong. There is no intention to deceive.
Finally, the mistake. There is a factual untruth. The person who says it does not know that it is untrue. They believe it……. perhaps passionately. They often try very hard to convince you; but, because they believe it, there really is no intention to deceive.
How do we handle this mess?
The first step in solving any problem……..is to accurately identify the problem. When somebody tells you something that is possibly untrue, you have to accurately characterize it. You have to ask three questions:
Are you absolutely sure that it is untrue?
If it is untrue, are you absolutely sure that the other person knows it is untrue?
What is the other person’s motivation? Are they intentionally trying to deceive you?
These are difficult questions and they deserve serious consideration……..because labeling somebody a liar is serious business………and it happens far too often in today’s politics.
If all three conditions are met, then you are dealing with a lie and with a liar. You need to protect yourself and others from the liar. This must be done gently and with love and that is not easy. If there is any doubt about the three conditions, then you are probably not dealing with a lie….. but with a disagreement.
If only the first condition is met, then you are dealing with a mistake. You can ignore it or try to educate/correct the other person. This often doesn’t work so don’t get upset…….move on.
If none of the conditions are met……..and I have to emphasize the part that says ABSOLUTELY SURE……then you are dealing with a disagreement. You can discuss it. You can try to sell your argument. You need to listen to the other person’s argument. You will probably not resolve the disagreement. In that case you should drop it. Disagreements are the most common of the three…….and they often get labelled as lies, particularly in politics. The key point about disagreement is what you CANNOT do.
You cannot, get angry.
You cannot call names (liar, racist, hater, homophobe, misogynist, baby killer).
You cannot allow the disagreement to damage relationships.
In a word…….you cannot allow yourself to become a “hater” over a disagreement.
In short, you and I must learn to disagree with one another in a loving way. The first step may be to turn off your TV and computer. Because, in spite of what the politicians and the talking heads tell you, most of the things we are fighting about are disagreements, not lies.
I’m not naive……there are liars out there…… in both political parties. But, there are few of them…….and don’t kid yourself, they are evenly distributed on the left and right.
So….. let’s disagree…… passionately. But let’s do it with kindness and love. Our democracy demands it.
“If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”
Jesus, NIV
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Paul, NIV